Old Soldiers Bare All
Military Humor
Tom Phillips has collected some images illustrating
military humor. Have a look.
Labels: Humor
Words that really mean something...
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word.
Some are terrifically innovative:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
12. Glibido: All talk and no action.
13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
And The #1 Pick:
17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an azzhole
Labels: Humor
All for one and one for all! (NOT FAMILY SAFE)
A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist. The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up, and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.
"Six pence," says the pharmacist.
How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence," says the pharmacist.
The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.
"The regiment has taken a vote," says the Scot. "We'll have a new one."
Labels: Humor
Absolutely Unbelievable
Albert Gore, former Vice President of the United States and purveyor of global warming folderol
has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Not that he's told the truth or actually improved the chances for peace in the world. I think it is just because he's a European style Liberal (aka socialist). Well that's my take. Maybe that's just sour grapes on my part. After all, I didn't get it again this year. Wears on you after a while.
Labels: Culture, Humor
I think Tam dared me...
Labels: Humor
I'd pull out my hair if I could get a grip on it...
So, we live in a nice 1926 2-story craftsman style house right across from the city park. The wife doesn't want to move even though she'd like central air (don't have it) and some improved "amenities" and less space to care for (the 3 kids are all gone). I'd like a more rural atmosphere. BUT, we do need to improve things to make the place salable anyway... hence the bathroom upgrade.
My dear wife, bless her heart, hires somebody to do the project who has good references but suddenly I have to be present because I "know" what's going on and can answer questions. I must not know
much because when I suggest a single sink, the wife says no. When I suggest no drawers because the pipes (my technical term, I really know little about plumbing) under the sink will interfere with the drawers, the wife says no. When I change the order for the vanity and order drawers at one end and not the other (where the service connections come through the wall) she was upset. So, today, after our contractor couldn't get a plumber to come to the job and we could, the plumber says, that ain't goin' to work. *sigh*
And there is the toilet as well. The contractor removed the old toilet and apparently there is an expected "flange" which I never saw. That is missing (so, you can't get another one?) And then the contractor ran the tile too close to the toilet drain (so that needs to be cut/broken up). The plumber is talking about coming up from the first floor to replace pipe... *sigh*
While I've lived in much worse conditions for longer it is a pain to have 1/2 the bath downstairs and the other (the shower) upstairs for 2 months. It is really frustrating to, as little as I actually know about the trades, to have been consistently ignored and now be paying the price for same.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. If this wasn't going to cost me more than $700 MORE than expected, it would be funny, I think, in a twisted sort of way... jeez...
Labels: Humor
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029 (emails go around like a virus...)
- Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California . White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
- Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
- Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
- Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
- Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon ).
- Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
- France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica .
- Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking..
- George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
- Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
- 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
- Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
- Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
- Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
- Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
- Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
- New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
- Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
- IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
- Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Labels: Culture, CultureOfCorruption, Humor, Politics
Dem/S Contribute to Global Warming...
Let's call this satire.
Labels: Humor
Those 72 Virgins Might Not be What Was Expected
Labels: Humor
What do you know about this?...
"They bought me a box of tin soldiers,
I threw all the Generals away,
I smashed up the Sergents and Majors,
Now I play with my Privates all day."
Labels: Humor
Hope for Us All
An old man approached the entrance to the White House. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away . . .
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying
"I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don 't you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."Labels: Humor
