Christian "One Liners"
Don't let your worries get the best of you;
Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
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Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
Until you try to sit in their pews.
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Many folks want to serve God,
But only as advisers.
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It is easier to preach ten sermons
Than it is to live one.
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The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose,
But mosquitoes come close.
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When you get to your wit's end,
You'll find God lives there.
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People are funny; they want the front of the bus,
Middle of the road,
And back of the church.
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Opportunity may knock once,
But temptation bangs on the front door forever.
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Quit griping about your church;
If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
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If a church wants a better pastor,
It only needs to pray for the one it has.
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We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or Judges.
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God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until
he is dead. So why should you?
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Some minds are like concrete
Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
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Peace starts with a smile.
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I don't know why some people change churches;
What difference does it make which one you stay home from?
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A lot of church members singing 'Standing on the Promises'
Are just sitting on the premises.
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Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em.
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Stop, Drop, and Roll won't work in Hell.
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Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
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Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
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Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
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Forbidden fruits create many jams.
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God doesn't call the qualified,
He qualifies the called.
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God grades on the cross, not the curve.
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God loves everyone,
But probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'
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God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
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He who angers you, controls you!
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If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!
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Prayer:
Don't give God instructions, just report for duty!
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The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.
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The Will of God never takes you to where the
Grace of God will not protect you.
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We don't change the message,
The message changes us.
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You can tell how big a person is
By what it takes to discourage him.
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The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
Just in case you've forgotten whence we've come!Labels: Humor, Religion
US Soldier Humor
Our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following: "YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon"unclean. "
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.
10. You protect YOUR honor by killing your sister for being raped.
Labels: Humor
Pending Legislation AWNAA Act
Washington, DC- Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
'Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,' said California Senator Barbara Boxer. 'We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.'
In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.
Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement 'warehouse' stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million 'middle man' positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, 'Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?'
'As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,' said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember rightey tightey, lefty loosey. 'This new law should be real good for people like me,' Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Senator Dick Durban (D-IL): 'As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.'
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Thanks to Boge Quinn for this one!
Labels: Humor
